She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
