Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
