Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
