I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
