Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
