When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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