anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
