two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
