All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
