He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
