i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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