he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
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bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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