Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Even my vagina gasped.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
