dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
