I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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