I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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