Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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