Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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