I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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