you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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