I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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