Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
