I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
