If you die in college, do you die in real life?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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