there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
