i don't plan on having that self control this summer
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
