There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
