member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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