he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
