What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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