Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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