I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
