hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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