sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
