I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
