Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
