I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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