my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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