mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You are a genius and a whore.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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