I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
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I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
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I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize