My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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