I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
