Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
