i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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