Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
