i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
my liver is dry heaving
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
