I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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