I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
