Umm I'm too high to move.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
