I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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