Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
