I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
