You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
