I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
