Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
