I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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