Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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