I want to have your abortion
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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