remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
