Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
