Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
