thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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